Someone needs a spanking!


Apr 3, 6:44 PM (ET)

(AP) A spider monkey eats Christmas treats at Taronga Zoo in Sydney, Australia in this 2006 file photo.... Full Image

MEXICO CITY (AP) - A spider monkey that escaped from a Mexico City zoo boarded a bus and attacked a passenger, Red Cross officials said Tuesday. The monkey got on the bus at about 11 p.m. Monday after escaping from the San Juan de Aragon Zoo, Red Cross spokesman Jair Martinez said. Zoo officials could not immediately be reached for comment.

The animal sat next to the bus driver for almost an hour as he drove through the city, and scratched and bit a 20-year-old female passenger when she tried to hold it, the Mexican news agency Notimex said.

Martinez said the woman was treated for her injury, and the animal was placed in quarantine. He said he had no further details.

I am naming my next kid Pantera!




Couple Fights to Name Baby 'Metallica'

Apr 3, 4:15 PM (ET)

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) - Metallica may be a cool name for a heavy metal band, but a Swedish couple is struggling to convince officials it is also suitable for a baby girl.

Michael and Karolina Tomaro are locked in a court battle with Swedish authorities, which rejected their application to name their six-month-old child after the legendary rock band.

"It suits her," Karolina Tomaro, 27, said Tuesday of the name. "She's decisive and she knows what she wants."

Although little Metallica has already been baptized, the Swedish National Tax Board refused to register the name, saying it was associated with both the rock group and the word "metal."

Tomaro said the official handling the case also called the name "ugly."

The couple was backed by the County Administrative Court in Goteborg, which ruled on March 13 that there was no reason to block the name. It also noted that there already is a woman in Sweden with Metallica as a middle name.

The tax agency appealed to a higher court, frustrating the family's foreign travel plans.

"We've had to cancel trips and can't get anywhere because we can't get her a passport without an approved name," Tomaro said.

Bet it was a Cocktail Weiner!

Girl bites Hamburger

A German girl who could not get rid of a persistent admirer in a Hamburg disco unzipped his flies, pulled out his penis - and almost bit it in half.

Emergency services found the man clutching his blood-stained member in the middle of the dance floor.

Natascha Mueller, 23, told police: "I just wanted to dance and he kept coming alongside me and would not go away."

Her victim, Andreas Baum, 39, said: "She beckoned me over and told me 'I know what you need'.

"Then she unzipped my trousers and I thought it was Xmas, and then she bit me. The pain was incredible. She almost bit it off."

The young woman, who was arrested, was six times over the legal limit for driving when breath tested.

A woman walks into their Frat house to take care of business, and they called the cops??? Musta been the Tri-Lambs




Masturbating woman disturbs students

Male students at a US university called police after a young woman walked into their house and started masturbating.

The woman went into a Michigan University frat house and began to masturbate on a couch, reports the Michigan Daily.

Fraternity president Dan Nye said fraternity members were eating in the dining room at the time.

The woman told them her name was Melissa and she was a student at Eastern Michigan University.

She was between 20 and 30 years old, had short brown hair and appeared to be under the influence of drugs.

"Obviously, she was very disturbed," Nye said. "It was not how a normal person would respond to people."

No one saw her enter the house but the front door had been left propped open because it was being repaired.

Fraternity members asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour, Nye said.

When members asked the woman if she was all right, she casually replied that she was fine, he said. At one point she was talking on her mobile phone.

She walked out wearing only a thigh-length black coat after a fraternity member called the police. By the time police arrived, minutes later, she had already left.

Note to self, make sure pet is dead BEFORE buring!!

Puppy comes back from the dead

A puppy which 'died' in a car accident crawled home after being buried for seven hours.

The poodle, Dudu, of Nanjing City, China, was hit by a van after he was taken out for a walk, reports Jinling Evening Post.

"He was so excited to go out, and escaped the rope," says owner, Miss Li, of Longjiang residential community.

"Dudu was thrown into the air, then hit the kerb. When my mother ran to him, he was spitting blood, and had stopped breathing."

Miss Li and her mother buried Dudu outside apartment block.

But later they were shocked to get a call from the property office saying the dog was sitting outside the building's metal door.

"I rushed out and Dudu staggered toward me. He was covered with soil and had dried blood at the edge of his mouth, and both eyes swollen with blood," says Miss Li.

Li and her mother immediately sent Dudu to Beier Pet Hospital, where doctors were touched by Dudu's brave story and performed an emergency operation.

Hospital manager Hu Hong says Dudu would have been in shock when his owner couldn't feel his breath and thought he was dead.

But luckily the pit was not too deep and the soil not tightly packed, and Dudu came to the hospital in time to be saved," he said.

Yes, this is one of the famous TV commercials for Ayds, a simple diet candy that was supposed to help satisfy your cravings for something sweet long enough to keep you from raiding the fridge and eating higher-calorie items. Unfortunately for the company's marketing department, AIDS was starting to become a name known to the public and, well...

Wonder if he used any hightech spy gear?

FAIRFAX, Va. -- A fired CIA employee has pleaded guilty to charges that he burglarized 10 homes near the agency's head- quarters.

Prosecutors said George C. Dalmas III, 48, admitted in Fairfax County Circuit Court that he broke into the homes
from October 2005 to January of this year.

He was charged with taking items that included valuable jewelry, collectibles such as Camp David cuff links and 1,074 pairs of women's underwear.

His lawyer, Gary Moliken, said mental health issues, rather than greed, motivated Dalmas, whom he described as a pack rat.

According to court documents, Dalmas never tried to pawn or sell the jewelry or other valuable goods.

Investigators said Dalmas was tracked down after a woman reported an intruder in January and gave police information from the license plates of the intruder's getaway car.

CIA officials said Dalmas worked for the agency for almost 20 years and was fired from his mid-level administrative post in August.

He faces up to 20 years in prison for each of the 10 burglaries when he's sentenced Feb. 9, though prosecutors and defense attorneys say he is likely to receive less time.

If I was one of the paramedics working the scene, I could have not stopped laughing!

911 call led cops to victim of alligator

Carlos Mayid couldn't see Adrian Apgar being attacked by an alligator early Wednesday, but he could hear him.

With his cell phone in hand and a sheriff's operator on the line, a calm Mayid left his home near Lake Parker and walked down his street in the pre-dawn darkness toward the screams of a man who was fighting for his life in the water.

In the recording of a dramatic 911 call released Thursday, Mayid is heard breathing heavily and walking through wet grass as Apgar's repeated cries grow louder. Finally, he got close enough to yell back.

"Hey. What's up? What do you need?" Mayid hollered.

"A gator's got me," Apgar replied, his voice faint in the background.

Mayid's call shortly after 4 a.m. sent four Polk County deputies racing to the 2,150-acre lake north of U.S. Highway 92 just outside Lakeland, where they jumped into the water and literally wrenched Apgar's arm from the gator's mouth. The victim, who told authorities he had passed out nude on the shore after smoking crack cocaine, was rushed to a hospital in critical condition.

Later Wednesday, state wildlife authorities trapped and killed a nearly 12-foot-long alligator thought to be the one that attacked Apgar, who remained today in Lakeland Regional Medical Center. His family asked that his condition not be released.

Mayid's call was picked up by a sleepy-sounding operator, Josh Fulman.

"There's a guy screaming bloody murder over here, 'Help' in front of the Moose Lodge," Mayid said. He could not be reached Thursday to elaborate on his experience.

"I can hear him from inside my house. . . . He's screaming 'Help, help, help, help.' "

From the time Mayid finally talked with Apgar, a dramatic back-and-forth relay followed with Mayid serving as the middleman between victim and operator.

Fulman told Mayid that deputies were on the way, but there was little the two could do. Meanwhile, Apgar kept screaming.

The tension built.

Replying to a plea from Apgar that was inaudible on the tape, Mayid said, "I ain't going over there. I can't go in there anyway. . . . I don't know how the hell they're going to get through."

Mayid ended up getting close enough to repeatedly ask Apgar what body part the alligator had, yelling, "Help is on the way; help is on the way."

About five minutes into the nearly eight-minute call, Fulman suggested Mayid tell Apgar to punch the alligator. "I don't know if it's true, but if you punch him in the nose . . . it may let him go," he said.

Mayid relayed the message and immediately came back with Apgar's response: "Too big."

There was an audible sigh.

Said Mayid, "He says he needs a gun."

Polk County deputies arrived about two minutes later and soon reached Apgar in the water. He was naked, slumped over in the alligator's jaws in chest-deep water on the east side of Lake Parker.

After a "tug-of-war" match with the gator, three deputies and their sergeant were able to rescue Apgar and carry him to shore. The entire rescue took about 20 minutes.

Apgar told the deputies he had been smoking crack cocaine and fell asleep on the shore when the alligator attacked him. The area includes a strip of land with a picnic table.

But local and state officials said Thursday that they don't know whether Apgar was on the land or already in the water when he was attacked. Said Gary Morse, spokesman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, "We don't know what happened."

Sheriff's officials have said Apgar, 45, of Polk City suffered a broken right arm. His left arm was nearly severed, hanging by a tendon, and he had bites to his buttocks and leg. He was in critical condition and underwent surgery Wednesday afternoon at Lakeland Regional Medical Center.

Morse said the 11-foot-9-inch, 600-pound alligator trapped several hours after the attack had been euthanized, a necessary step to protect the public.

The alligator was "much larger" than average, Morse said.

Investigators aren't positive the captured alligator was the one that attacked Apgar, but they think it is the likely culprit because it was the only gator feeding in that area.

They did not perform a necropsy on the animal because Apgar is not missing limbs.

"Everybody who comes in contact with that alligator is at risk," Morse said. "Alligators don't normally attack people. When they do, something is amiss."


Listen to the 911 call here

Be carefull, you'll poke an eye out!!

AN advertisement which features a man with elongated nipples could be pulled from TV screens in days.

The plug stars a beachgoer whose nipples miraculously grow after he tries Mentos chewing gum.

The Advertising Standards Board said complaints from disgusted viewers started as soon as the ad was screened at the weekend.

The ad's star uses his new appendages to catch frisbees, press lift buttons and even spin discs on a DJ's turntable - while a bevvy of admiring bikini-clad girls look on.

"As soon as the advert went to air we received a number of complaints about its content, regarding inappropriate sexual references and claims that it was discriminatory to both men and women," ASB chief executive Fiona Jolly said. "The advert is being rushed on to the agenda of the next meeting of the board this week."

The ASB can ask Mentos to withdraw or edit the advertisement. Although the board's decisions are not legally enforceable, it has a 100 per cent record of compliance among advertisers.

Mentos Ice brand manager Juliette Toolin said the advertisement was intended to be "light-hearted".

"It's simply a tongue-in-cheek and humorous way of telling people about our product," she said. "We thought we might get some sort of reaction but we don't believe this is offensive."

She said a few viewers had complained directly to the company.

Are we sure it was rocks and not nuggets?

Monkey threw stone at zoo visitor

A Brazilian woman is considering suing a zoo after a monkey threw a stone at her.

Regiane Viana, 25, needed hospital treatment after she was hit on the head at Rio de Janeiro Zoo.

She told O Dia newspaper that she had recovered from her injuries but had been shocked by the incident.

A spokesperson for the zoo said: "It was unbelievable, the monkey threw a rock at this woman out of the blue.

"We never had this before, but we have to investigate and find out how he learn this trick, soon people will think not even Rio's zoo is safe anymore, even the animals are getting violent!"

Guess when your traveling with your mother, you should pack lightly.
I would have said it was for a blood pressure cuff.

The Associated Press (AP) has reported that a 29-year-old man travelling abroad told airport security officers a sexual aid he had packed for the trip was a bomb.

Madin Azad Amin was intending to travel to Turkey with his mother when he was stopped by officials on August 16 after they spotted a grenade-like object in Mr Amin's baggage, said AP.

Rather explaining the nature of the item in front of his mother, Mr Amin told the officials it was a bomb.

The item was in fact a section of a penis pump, AP reported Cook County Assistant State's Attorney Lorraine Scaduto as having said.

The report also said that a spokesperson for the Attorney's office confirmed Mr Amin had been charged with felony disorderly conduct.

He faces up to three years in prison if convicted.

Seems about right!!

My Political Profile:

Overall: 55% Conservative, 45% Liberal

Social Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Ethics: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

I always thought carrots were good for your eyes. Seems I was wrong!

Man Accused of Blinding Wife With Carrot

MONROE, Conn. (AP) - A 46-year-old man is accused of assaulting his wife with a carrot, causing her to lose sight in one eye. Roderick Vecsey is charged with second-degree assault and disorderly conduct.

Pamela Vecsey, 46, underwent six hours of surgery after being hit in the left eye with the vegetable Saturday night, but doctors were not able to restore her vision, prosecutor Stephanie Damiani said.

The couple was arguing when Roderick Vecsey tossed the carrot, Damiani said.

Roderick Vecsey told Judge Patrick Carroll that it was a terrible accident, and was advised to remain silent.

The judge set a hearing for Thursday. Vecsey is currently free after posting $500 bond.

Nothing like the smell of a Bible 1st thing in the morning!!

Inmate, Wife Smuggle Bibles Backed With Blow

Hmmm, which is worse. Inmates pleasuring them selves and relieving tension in there own cells, or rampant rape, whether it be same sex or not??

I say give the stroking material if they so desire it!!!

Inmates Sue to Overturn Nude Magazine Ban

Jul 12, 6:52 AM (ET)

By KEN KUSMER

INDIANAPOLIS (AP) - Two inmates have filed a lawsuit against the Indiana Department of Correction to overturn a policy that bars magazines such as Playboy and Hustler.

The lawsuit filed Tuesday in U.S. District Court in Indianapolis seeks class-action status on behalf of more than 20,000 state prisoners and challenges a policy that went into effect July 1 barring adult magazines and other printed material that depict nudity or sexual content.

The policy could prohibit sexually explicit letters and publications such as National Geographic magazine and daily newspapers, according to the complaint, which said the new rule violates the plaintiffs' civil rights.

"The policy is written so broadly that it includes within its prohibitions such things as personal letters between prisoners and loved ones and much of the world's great literature and art," said the complaint, which was prepared by the American Civil Liberties Union of Indiana.

One of the two plaintiffs named in the complaint is Ernest Tope, 53, an inmate at the Pendleton Correctional Facility near Anderson who is serving a life sentence for murder. He claims he cannot subscribe to the motorcycle magazine Easyriders because it contains partial nudity.

The policy may also may bar books such as steamy novels by the best-selling author Jackie Collins that have been available in the past through the prison library, the lawsuit claims.

Both Tope and the other named plaintiff, murder and auto theft convict Wade Meisberger, 34, challenged the new policy through the prison grievance system but so far been unsuccessful, the complaint said. Meisberger, 34, is held at the Miami Correctional Facility near Peru.

DOC spokeswoman Java Ahmed said agency officials had not yet reviewed the lawsuit and had no comment.